On optimization and owls

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I like optimizing things. I find enjoyment in slowly and steadily chipping away at a problem, knowing that I'm getting closer and closer to some end point. A point at which all will be good, no problems will exist (in that area of my life) and I can finally relax and just execute without any friction. This trait is one that has served me very well over my career as a professional poker player. Making things into a game with an end point where you can actually "win".

However, I've noticed recently that it can be a big hindrance to overcome when it comes to actually getting stuff done. I started studying psychology at university after 6 years outside of academia, and have therefore been forced to face the ugly truth about some of my study habits. I wasn't learning information at the pace I was hoping, and it was stressing me out. "Do I have ADHD, do I just learn slower than other people or am I just doomed for a life of suffering as long as I'm in school?". While all of these things may still be true, one thing I noticed through paying attention to myself was this; I burn a significant amount of energy while studying questioning "am I doing the right/best thing with my study time at this moment?". This led to me switching back and forth between tasks, feeling stressed for not getting anything done, and quitting. Since I had subconsciously set the bar at "doing what is optimal", the starting cost was very high.

So too with getting this blog started. I had the idea for it at the end of 2022, and have been postponing it for a bit more than a year now. When I asked a friend for some advice/feedback on how to go about it and he sent me this image as a response: 


He didn't really need to say more.

Trusting the process
At some level I am aware that this fantasy of mine, optimizing and then relaxing, is an illusion. Not only does this end point not really exist, but I don't even, really, want to get there. I actually enjoy the feeling of being on my way to some place. What I actually enjoy, it turns out, is trust in the process. And for that there needs to be acceptance that that the process is messy. So lean to enjoy the mess. 

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